Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
