"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
