I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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