Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
