I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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