I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
