atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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