Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
