i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
