i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
