I cannot find my penis.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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