two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
