I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
