I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
