I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
