i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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