How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
