I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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