My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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