He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
