I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
