I don't usually arrange sex via text message
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
