i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
