I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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