Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
