The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Terrible idea I love it
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
