I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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