dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
