I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
