I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
