you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
