On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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