My nipple is on Facebook.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
