This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
