I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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