i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
