The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Randomize
