I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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