I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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