i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
