I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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