Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
