I wannas sexs uuuuu
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I still have a little drunk in my system
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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