At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
