I have demons in me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
