My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Panties = found
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
