she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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