wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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