Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
