I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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