I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
