I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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