we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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