I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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