Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
