You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
