tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
