I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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